She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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