First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
