finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
