the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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