I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
