whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
