I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
