just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
