Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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