Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
