Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
