Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
