it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
