I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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