Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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