It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
