After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
