God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
