I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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