Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
