Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
