I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize