I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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