On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
