My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
