so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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