if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it was like eating out sand paper
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
