So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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