cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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