she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize