Apparently you make a good broom.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
