The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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