Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
