Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
