you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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