I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
