did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
