don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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