I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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