true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
