I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize