Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pants are for mortals
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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