so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
