I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
