my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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