my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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