you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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