You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize