Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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