Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
