I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
