He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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