conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
