I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
