I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
