Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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