His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
