i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
