So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize