You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
