and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the day after is always just damage control
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
