I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Randomize
