My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
