And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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