apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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