maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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