I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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