It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just googled if crying burns calories
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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